Yosemite Sam Enters Race for GOP Nomination
DALLAS, TX – Making a huge splash on the political scene, rabbit hunting mogul and long-time Libertarian Yosemite Sam kicked off his campaign for the Republican 2012 Presidential nomination after months of rumors and speculation regarding his political ambitions.
“I am the roughest, toughest, aaaaand rip-rourin’-est candidate in this race, and I will make Obama say his prayers,” exclaimed Yosemite Sam, whipping the crowd into a frenzy. “He crossed the line one time a-too many an’ we will git our America back.”
For months, the CEO of Acme Corporation has flirted with tea party activists and conservative organizations across the country. His recent high-profile event to pray for the extermination of an invasive species of rabbit in southern Texas only served to intensify rumors concerning the seriousness of Mr. Sam’s political aspirations.A ruthless corporate billionaire, Yosemite Sam has earned himself the status of firebrand with his aggressive statements and hard-line positions regarding immigration, regulation, taxes, and second amendment rights.
His announcement has caused a media firestorm, launching him to the top of the polls despite his clinical insanity, shady business practices, and violent temper.
“They ain’ nothin’ more ‘n silver tongued riff-raff in fancy suits,” said Yosemite Sam, referring to his political rivals.
Seeing him as the newest alternative to Mitt Romney, staunch conservative and religious Republicans have thrown their support behind Mr. Sam following his announcement.
“He’s like the iPhone 5G of Republican candidates, but after a couple of days I think I’ll be ready for the next candidate to enter,” said Texas Tea Party activist Roger Ozrik. “Once they get popular, candidates start talking about ‘policy’ and ‘plans’. They just get boring and forget about what this is all about.”
Others question his ability to appeal to a wider electorate.
“There’s just no telling what this mad old cowboy will do, and the hard right just seems to love him,” said Ellen Delgrou, a political writer for Politico. “Like Perry and Bachman before him, Yosemite has totally eclipsed the rest of the field since his announcement, and people are really starting to take notice. However, reports about his mental clarity, specifically Yosemite’s belief that he has conversed with rabbits in the past, may drag down his campaign in the future.”