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Toyota Backpedaling Accelerates

RUNAWAY CAMRY, KANSAS – Criticized as lethargic in its response to potentially deadly problems in some of its most popular models, car giant Toyota Motor Corp. fought off barrage after barrage of intense questioning by Congress this week. The embattled manufacturer attempted to walk the razor’s edge between displaying humility while trying to save face and reinvigorate confidence in its product.

To truly understand Toyota’s crises, one must be aware of how the current situation arose. Earlier this year it was revealed that, after months of secret testing and a thorough analysis of American culture, Toyota installed a new “automatic cruise control feature” in many of its most popular models without the knowledge of the public or government regulatory agencies. The new feature was meant to compliment an American driver’s natural tendency to speed and give Toyota a technological edge over the competition.

Uncontrolled Acceleration: The only way to look cool in a Prius.

“American’s are all about doing things faster. They think fast, eat fast, work fast. We just thought, ‘They want a vehicle that can drive fast, so our product shouldn’t slowdown,” said Toyota engineer Akimoto Akira, who worked on the covert project. “We weren’t expecting this kind of reaction.”

The troubled auto company then took another hit when it was forced to recall a group of vehicles due to a newly implemented “enthusiastic accelerator” feature.

Toyota has also met resistance from dealers over a newly announced “sleep gas air conditioner,” which was originally developed to help drivers “relax on long drives.” Despite the controversy surrounding such recent innovations, Toyota has remained adamant in its decision to include devices that will “periodically explode” and cause “catastrophic damage” to prevent theft.

“We’re really excited about this,” commented Mr. Akira. “It’s going to revolutionize how we think about car security.”

American car companies have been unexpectedly supportive of Toyota throughout the current round of recalls. One industry expert describe Toyota’s woes, becoming monstrously large company while losing the public’s faith, as a “rite of passage” necessary to be accepted into the “good old boys club” of “soulless multinational corporate behemoths.”

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