Supreme Court Ruling, “Just Do It.”
SUPREME COURT REGENERATION POD – In a move that stunned the normally docile mainstream media, approximately 55.56% of the United States Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional to prohibit the oft maligned corporation from exercising its First Amendment right of shamelessly bending the blind masses to its superior will.
“I’m lovin’ it,” commented Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) when questioned about the ruling. “This is just grrreat! I’m very pleased with the Supreme Court’s fair and balanced assessment of the law.” Sen. McConnell then went on to pass out Snickers bars while explaining the benefits of using Cash4Gold to diversify one’s portfolio.
Despite such unipartisan appeal, the landmark ruling has been sharply criticized by self described “Democrats” and “moderate Republicans” as a slippery slope that will just “keep going, and going, and going.”
While allowing corporations and unions to spend their near limitless stores of government bailout money to influence congressional elections, the Court’s ruling also calls into question many widely ignored state and local campaign finance regulations.
“Silly Justices, campaign finance regulation is for ensuring the integrity of democratic elections,” declared President Obama (D-United States) during a press conference in which he vehemently expressed his disapproval of the Court’s decision.
In a joint press conference, spokespersons for many soulless corporations made clear their satisfaction over the ruling, saying that corporations while no longer be treated as “second class citizens, deprived of fundamental rights.” The spokespersons went on to describe how the “free hand of the market” was no longer “shackled to the unyielding pillar of decency” in congressional elections.
“You know the best part of wakin’ up are Justices in your pocket,” summed up one spokesperson.