SECRET JUSTICE REJUVENATION POOL – Anonymous sources close to the high court have revealed that the seemingly sagacious Supreme Court Justices are “just making it up as they go along” when comes to deciding irrevocable court cases affecting the entire country.
The embarrassing revelation comes after three days of heated oral arguments regarding the Affordable Care Act, President Obama’s signature healthcare law aimed at confusing the public and angering Republicans.
According to sources close to the Court, the electoral implications of the Court’s eventual decision have compelled certain individuals to divulge the fact that America’s constitutional interpretations are thought up “on the fly” and “normally in a drunken stupor.”
“I really think public has the right to know that these nine justices have absolutely no idea what they are doing most of the time. Usually they just flip a coin or Thomas and Breyer arm wrestle to decide cases,” said a source close to the justices speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal from Justice Antonin “Mad Dog” Scalia. “They may talk a big game, but Justice Kennedy wrote the Citizens United opinion midway through a Red Bull fueled all-nighter.”
Counter to popular belief, the justices rarely perform extensive research; instead, they prefer to simply look an issue up on Wikipedia before deciding to take a case up, according to insiders.
“These people have been phoning it in for a while now. Bush v. Gore was supposed to go the other way, but the Court changed its opinion fifteen minutes before it was given ‘just to see people freak out’,” exclaimed John Helderman, formerly a clerk for Justice Ginsburg.
Pointing to numerous hints that the Court has lost its way, many constitutional historians believe the long, rambling opinions promulgated by the Court in recent years show that the high court lost its way long ago.
“I think we all saw this coming after Alito’s thirty page Star Trek fan-fiction was included in the opinion for NASA v. Nelson,” commented Janice Repler, Associate Professor of Constitutional Law at the University of Texas.