CAMPAIGN STRETCH LIMO, SC – After two top place showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Republican frontrunner and former hair model Mitt Romney has dropped his carefully crafted common man persona and finally embraced his natural state as a pompous dandy unconcerned with the quiet desperation of the average American’s life.
“None of you can stop me,” shouted a dapper Romney from the open window of his campaign limousine as he passed a rally for Texas Representative Ron Paul. “I will be your nominee, and you tiny, insignificant people will vote for me. I’m the best chance you people have, and you know it.”
Reports of this new, or rather, old incarnation of the former Massachusetts governor has been reportedly arrived at various campaign events late only to survey his supporters with obvious disgust and contempt before seducing the local mayor’s wife and departing abruptly, the ashes of Cuban cigars and empty bottles of expensive scotch all the marked his passing.
Some media outlets have confirmed reports of Mr. Romney buying local businesses in rural South Carolina towns in order to personally close them down and fire all their employees.
Many Republican commentators initially expressed outrage over the Mr. Romney’s actions before the GOP nominee hopeful paid them to no longer feel that way.
“I think we all knew this was just a matter of time,” commented David Helters, a notable Republican strategist in South Carolina. “You could always tell that this real, sociopathic Romney was waiting just underneath his artificial charade of compassion and humanity. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t change his eyes – his cold, dead eyes.”
Upon finishing his brief stint of expressing extreme condescension in South Carolina, Mitt Romney plans on enjoying a prolonged period of secular and pretentious debauchery in Europe before returning to the United States for the Republican National Convention in August, according to aids.