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Shockingly, CNN Still Exists

ATLANTA – Strolling through the once hallowed corridors and studios of CNN’s worldwide Atlanta headquarters, one cannot help but feel awestruck at the fact that the original cable news channel still exists. This sense of astonishment is shared not only by the larger American public, but by nearly every staffer at the institution as well. From veteran journalists to janitors, everyone seems genuinely surprised by CNN’s continued existence.

“I read reportsthat we just had our worst ever quarter, and I thought ‘OK, I guess we’re finally done here’, but then I actually went to work the next day. I was flabbergasted,” said Wolf Blitzer, host of CNN’’s The Situation Room. “I’m still not totally convinced that we’ve been broadcasting since 2008.”

CNN Twitter

CNN, the most trusted name in pot induced zombie cannibalism. Source: CNN Twitter

Mr. Blitzer has good reason to be skeptical about CNN. The cable news founder experienced its lowest ratings in 21 years earlier this month, with experts blaming drop-offs in the key demographics of neglected housepets and comatose hospital patients.

Recent polls conducted by Xtreme Polling, Inc. show that an all time high of 65% of Americans doubt whether or not CNN was ever a real thing. Nearly 20% of respondents knew CNN existed at one point but believed it had been playing reruns since 2003.

While top executives share the general public’s incredulity, they have begun enacting new ideas to turn around the news agency’s ratings woes. According to sources close to high-level talks, executives have pitched the idea of shaving Wolf Blitzer’s iconic beard or actually covering America’s various wars.

Some unverified sources claim that top executives are “thinking about broadcasting some thoughtful news and political analysis” but are hesitant to abandon the “bland, tried-and-true news slop” currently on air.