CHEESE LAKE, WI – Upon hearing about the winners of the record breaking Mega Millions Lottery Jackpot, former human being Mitt Romney was quick to welcome the lucky individuals into the upper-rungs of the American socio-economic ladder.
“I would like to personally congratulate the Mega Millions and extend a hand in friendship to my fellow millionaires,” said Mr. Romney to reporters on his way to a campaign event in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “I would be happy to give them any advice they may require to adjust to their new lifestyle.”
When asked by reporters when Mr. Romney meant by the statement, the GOP frontrunner explained that the “lower people” do not usually have a “solid handle” on the unique problems wealth creates, like “knowing which is the best yacht brand” and “how to be effortlessly pretentious.”
“I think folks sometimes forget that the rich are people too, and like everyone else, they [the wealthy] face daily challenges. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sent out dinner party invitations printed with the address for my home in Florida when the party is at my home in Massachusetts. It can get really embarrassing,” continued Mr. Romney, lightly chuckling to himself at the thought of the mix up.
The presidential hopeful went on to list several “great accountants” that can “run circles around Uncle Sam.” Mr. Romney also stated that if any of the winners pay more than 15% in taxes, they are “losing at being rich.”
Mr. Romney did caution that since the lucky individuals won their money via the lottery, there will be some light hazing. The former governor would not give specifics regarding the initiation, only stating that it involved three hours with Donald Trump, a comb, and spray tanning.
Republican strategists have called Mr. Romney’s welcoming attitude a “masterstroke” that is “sure to lock in the votes of lottery winners” who are no longer “poor enough” to be liberal.