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Romney Threatens to Withdraw from Race Since GOP Likes Santorum So Much

UNIMPORTANT TOWN, AL – After months of pandering to ultra-conservative, Tea Party Republicans only to be met with mistrust and outright hostility, former Massachusetts governor Mitt “Dead Eyes” Romney has threatened to withdraw his candidacy from the race for the GOP presidential nomination out of pure spite.

Since the beginning of his bid for the nomination, Mr. Romney has courted Tea Party conservatives by rejecting his past positions on a variety of issues, like being a reasonable person and helping sick people. The majority of conservative voters do not trust Mr. Romney’s changing personal views and, instead, have voted in much greater margins for the consistent lunacy of Rick Santorum.

At a campaign stop in some generic Alabama town named something like “Biloxi” or “Higgins Creek”, an exasperated Mitt Romney unveiled a new passive-aggressive plan to gain a plurality of Republican votes.

Mitt Romney threatens to withdraw from race

Pictured: Mitt Romney putting the fear of God in the Republican party. Note the rolled up sleeves that highlight his seriousness. photo: davelawrence8

“If I don’t win Alabama and Mississippi, then that’s it, I’m done. You guys want Rick Santorum or that fat baby-man Newt Gingrich? Fine, take ‘em. it won’t be my problem when, come the general election, you have some guy the last name ‘Santorum’ or the marshmallow man from Ghost Busters running against Obama,” said Mitt Romney, reportedly at wits end.

“I mean come on! Have you heard what these guys are saying? Gingrich wants a moon base. A moon base! And then he wants to make a state… on the moon. Santorum thinks we are literally at war with Satan. So that’s it. Either you guys vote for me, or I’m officially done with you people. Deal with it,” continued a frustrated, belligerent Mr. Romney, delivering his ultimatum to a crowd of average size and enthusiasm.

“And don’t even get me started on Ron Paul. That guy is a maniac,” stated Mr. Romney.

When asked whether Mr. Romney’s recent announcement would affect their votes, primary voters in Alabama and Mississippi expressed skepticism over Romney’s commitment to his past statements before enthusiastically supporting an alternative candidate that will surely condemn their party to failure in November.

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