Old Man Jenkins Corp. Downgrades US Debt
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – In the wake of the recent United States federal debt ceiling debate, Old Man Jenkins Corporation has decided to follow Standard & Poor’s decision to downgrade the United States federal debt from three tin cans to a cactus and a pigeon.
“Ya got all ‘dem highfalutin people up in gov’ment sayin’ this and that, but I jus’ canna’ put my tin cans by ‘em words. I just canna’,” explained Old Man Jenkins with a gleam in his eye as he tilted back in his centuries old rocking chair. “Nope, cactus and pigeon ‘s all ya can give ‘em.”
While not as glamorous as his larger competitors, the one man credit ratings agency has been a staple on Wallstreet since the early 1940s. Markets have yet to react to news of the historic second downgrade of the US debt.
Throughout the decades businesses and investors have looked to Old Man Jenkins to indicate sound borrowers and investments, a dirt clump and chicken bone rating could devastate a company while a double sardine could trigger a flurry of investment. Some financial experts, however, have expressed skepticism regarding the significance and wisdom of Old Man Jenkins’ decision.
“There’s just not a whole lot of difference between a triple T and a C&P credit rating,” commented Eric Molte, ratings expert and contributor to CNBC’s Market War: Bonds of Fury television program. “I think this decision was a political stunt by Old Man Jenkins to make Obama look bad. If that’s the case, then it backfired because now people are questioning his ability to intelligently assess the quality of massively complex businesses and institutions.”
Mr. Molte went to discuss how some of his “colleagues have come to call Old Man Jenkins’ ratings the ‘nonsensical gibberish of a mad man’.”
When asked about his rating process, the ratings guru acknowledged the question by winking while rocking slowly in his chair before falling asleep on his front porch.