Oil Cleanup Ideas Running on Empty
GULF OF OIL, LA – Displaying further evidence of being caught off guard by the severity of the Deep Water Horizon disaster, oil behemoth British Petroleum has begun using the “broken hopes and dreams” of gulf coast residents to soak up broad swaths of the toxic black substance that have not been effectively contained using traditional techniques. Those with knowledge of the operation, which allegedly entered an experimental phase nearly a week ago, have chosen to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal from BP.
“After the first containment dome, second dome, junk shot, top kill technique, and cap failed to stop the flow, BP simply resigned itself to actually having to clean up the spill,” spoke one company official close to the matter. “When that time came, we were told to gather up as many destroyed life expectations, or DLEs, as possible for the cleanup effort. Experience has already shown that DLEs are superb at absorbing marriages, careers, interpersonal relationships, drugs, and copious amounts of alcohol. It’s only logical that they would soak up oil, too.”
When asked about the new operation, BP would neither confirm nor deny the program, although BP did hint a new “nearly limitless” substance that was being investigated for use and options for plugging the leak were still being reviewed. Insiders, however, state that if DLEs effectively combat the oil slicks on the surface, BP would “not have an incentive” to “stop the creation of this miracle substance.”
“The industrial application of DLEs have yet to be fully explored,” commented Dr. Marie Kryznik, whose work in using troubled childhoods and drugs to ferment DLEs has been regarded in the scientific community as groundbreaking. “In all likelihood, BP planned the oil spill in order to harvest the destroyed life expectations of thousands of gulf coast residents.”
According to sources close to the White House, President Obama was furious upon hearing the news. The Obama administration, of course, planned on halting America’s dependence on fossil fuels by powering the country with the failed expectations of its citizens.