News Media Scrambles to Prolong GOP Primary Contest
CHICAGO, IL – Former moderate Mitt Romney’s sizable lead in the polls over rival Rick Santorum on the eve of Illinois’ primary has forced major news media outlets to scramble to prolong what has become a bitter nomination process.
“Through diligent, hard work, the cable news industry has been able to revive Rick Santorum’s candidacy after his defeats in Michigan and Ohio, but a loss in Illinois may impossible to spin effectively,” said Wolf Blitzer, The Situation Room anchor and beard specialist for CNN. “We thought wins in Mississippi and Missouri would boost is candidacy going into Illinois, but we’ve had no such luck.”
“We have successfully fabricated multiple ‘make-or-break’ scenarios for the candidates only to keep the drama despite the fact that Mitt Romney pretty much had this thing won with Florida,” continued Mr. Blitzer.
Although news sources were able to significantly inflate the importance of the Alabama and Mississippi primaries, they were unable mitigate Rick Santorum’s innate ability to alienate moderate and independent voters.
Reporters have indicated Mr. Santorum’s intensely unlikable personal views about women and contraception have made making him a viable candidate exceedingly difficult.
“This primary cycle has been amazing for us, but we all knew people would eventually realize how totally despicable Rick Santorum actually is,” said Jason Markess, a political reporter for the New York Times.
According to reports, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich will not be a part of any news media plans to extend the primary season. So far, the candidate has been a lackluster investment on the part of news corporations, providing only a few noteworthy antics and cheap laughs while failing to gain much momentum outside of the alternative reality created by his unstoppable egomania.
Instead, the news industry is discussing the possibility of a debate featuring the surprise return of former candidates Tim Pawlenty, Jon Huntsman, Herman Cain, and Rick Perry as a type of season finale, according to sources close to the planning.
Other ideas include having Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney duel to the death or disregarding the results and making Ron Paul the GOP nominee just to see what would happen.