New TSA Pat Downs a Let Down
ROMANTIC INTERROGATION ROOM, TSA DUNGEON – New advanced airport screening guidelines for Transportation Security Apartment officials have caused an uproar across the internet in recent days as crestfallen air travelers describe disappointing procedures.
Hearing about the new rules, many passengers were hoping for a romantic, candle-lit rendezvous sequestered away in a cozy, windowless interrogation cell with their destined TSA official. To help with the pat down and the mood, some individuals even hid quarts of scented massage oils and open wine bottles in their luggage before giggling knowingly and winking suggestively at the TSA official tasked with searching their property.
“I immediately thought: This is my chance to find true love, right here in Detroit Metro,” commented Jeremy Katsle on the new regulations. “I have no family or friends. This is the most human interaction I’ve had in weeks.”
Although embracing the idea, those like Katsle have not, however, been shy from vocalizing the current procedure’s shortcomings. With his eyes misting and shoulders slumped, Kyle Meyer, an eraser salesman from Denver, is a perfect of example of the dissatisfaction felt by some hopeful passengers.
“My TSA agent and I had but a moment together before he was forced away due to his schedule. His hands just barely – but ever so tenderly – brushed against me and then he was gone,” said Mr. Meyer. “It was nothing like I imagined. I was left in the cold and told to move one my way.” Choking back burning tears, Mr. Meyer lamented the fact that the new rules were not “more invasive” and “prolonged.”
When confronted about the concerns raised by some flyers that the pat downs are not “thorough enough”, Transportation Security Administration spokesperson Martha Toste said that the administration is “committed” to helping passengers “achieve” their “romantic aspirations” any way possible.
“We’re currently tinkering with experimental ‘interrogation rooms for two’ and playing Marvin Gaye at security checkpoints.”
Given the TSA’s willingness to modify rules so as to make flying a more enjoyable experience for the passenger, onlookers believe any glitches in the current system will be fixed in a timely manner.