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Media Makes Nonbinding Promise to be Interested in Santorum

COLD TOWN, MN – Following a three state sweep by former senator Rick Santorum, the mainstream media has collectively decided to issue a statement expressing its nonbinding interest in Mr. Santorum during future primaries and caucuses. This surprising, yet in no way definitive, future coverage of Mr. Santorum is a direct result of the candidate locking in a stunning total of zero delegates in his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.

Dog

Despite having won three states, Rick Santorum has less of chance of winning the GOP presidenatial nomination than this dog because of the dog's because of the dog's better hair, cool sunglasses, and stance on gay rights.

“We really didn’t see this noncommittal resurgence coming,” commented Ted Burnstead, a senior contributing journalist for the news and clock enthusiast magazine Time. “Who would have thought that a candidate with such a raunchy last name would have so much support in these inconsequential states with low voter turnout and no substantive affect on delegate counts?”

Some political experts have even gone so far as calling Mr. Santorum a “serious candidate” that “underscores conservatives’ raw, seething ambivalence for Mitt Romney”.

The former senator’s appeal is especially intense when “no one” comes out the vote and when the results of the race “really don’t matter in the long run”, say political analysts from various news outlets.

“I have seen some great candidates, but nothing quite matches Mr. Santorum’s charisma when nobody else is even remotely trying to get my vote,” explained Elisa Maples, a registered Republican that voted in the Minnesota caucus.

While Mr. Santorum won Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado, none of the states are require their delegates to vote for the winner, and when asked, delegates plan to “just do whatever” come August.

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