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Man Hunts Down Job

HEARTLAND CITY, REAL AMERICA – The sun, cresting majestically over the snowy horizon, painted everything in the early morning stillness with stark lines of light and shadow. Ageless pine trees whispered softly in our ears as a light breeze filtered past Mr. Hutchinson and me, waiting patiently in our hunting stand.

“Quiet now, you don’t wanna spook ‘em,” cautioned my guide in hush tones as a well dressed man in his early 30’s entered the clearing. In the middle of the clearing lay our bait, a well written daily sales report. The businessman approached sheepishly, trying, without success, to spot any hidden threats. Just as the man reached the bait, my guide squeezed the trigger on his tranquilizer gun and dropped the executive without hesitation.

In many ways Frank Hutchinson, a middle-aged man with a receding hairline in proportion to his pouchy gut, has experienced the very worst of what the current economic downturn has to offer. After losing his job of 22 years as an assembly line worker at General Motors shortly before the company went into bankruptcy, Mr. Hutchinson found himself adrift in a contracting job market. While looking for part-time work, his subprime mortgage ballooned to an exorbitant rate, forcing his family to move in with relatives.

Despite such a run of horrible luck, Mr. Hutchinson’s jovial personality and entrepreneurial spirit remained unaffected.

“I was really down, y’know? Everything was just fallin’ apart and no one was hirin’. I was wondering; how do I make myself stand out? Then it hit me,” explained Mr. Hutchinson when asked about his radical decision to start hunting potential employers. “Why hand ‘em a resume when you can just drop ‘em and take ‘em home with ya’?”

Like a child on Christmas Day, Mr. Hutchinson flew to the businessman’s side, quick to notice the expensive designer suit and Italian shoes.

Mr. Hutchinson with his big catch.

Mr. Hutchinson with his big catch.

“Come here and take my picture, this is a good one,” he exclaimed breathlessly.

Mr. Hutchinson beamed while the drugged executive drooled as I snapped the photo.

“Sure, they struggle for a bit when they come ‘round, but I just think of it as old fashioned networking.”

The community has taken heart from Mr. Hutchinson’s experimental approach, with many adopting the technique themselves. Entire families have reportedly formed raiding parties to attack and detain managers of local businesses in hopes of attaining employment. Those employers that survived their ordeals described their captors has “pleasant people” who they “would not have noticed if not for being imprisoned by them for several weeks.” Indeed, many hired their “highly unqualified, yet lovingly tenacious” captors. Most psychologists ascribe such feelings to Stockholm’s syndrome and overwhelming fear, but Mr. Hutchinson remains unperturbed.

“I think most people would agree this is just real Americans talking back the country from those fat cats with jobs. I’m even thinkin’ about hitting the road and teaching others my technique.”

Godspeed, Mr. Hutchinson. Godspeed.

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