LOLcat Sweatshop Uncovered
CHEEZBURGER, CHINA – Labor officials in China are still reeling after discovering what has been described as a “gross violation of human rights” earlier this month. Early reports indicate that several hundred underage children were made, against there will and in dangerous conditions, to produce LOLcat images for distribution on the internet. Officials have said that many of the children were found malnourished and emotionally scarred from their time in captivity.
“The human psyche cannot withstand such a prolonged exposure to LOLcats,” remarked Dr. Melanie Stromner, a professor of psychology at Harvard University. “If a person sees too many LOLcat images, he or she may be mentally damaged to an irrevocable degree. This would explain why so many of the children simply turned feral. It was a survival instinct.”
According to recently leaked documents, most of the children were chained to large Dell computer towers running Windows 98. They were also forced to use old CRT monitors while sitting on broken, jagged metal stools. While such a scene is reminiscent of an average American high school’s computer lab, the documents are explicit in stating that conditions were far better. At gunpoint the children, many below the age of ten, used Microsoft Paint to edit images of cats or kittens in humors settings or positions.
Officials have determined that messages, containing poor grammar and spelling, seen on most LOLcat images were actually desperate pleas for help impossibly distorted by the captives’ lack of English. Furthermore, what were assumed to be innocuous scenes of feline playfulness were actually coded depictions of their subterranean nightmare.
“Garish pictures of cats, all of them staring and smiling, covered the walls. The children were all crying as they made those hilarious photos. We would have freed them sooner, but we couldn’t tear our eyes away from the computer screens. It was hypnotic,” recounted one Chinese official.
The documents also describe an “outlandish photography studio” where cats were “treat like royalty… pampered daily by elderly single women.”
Commented one Department of Happy-Fun Labor on the kittens, “It was grotesque. Dog skeletons littered the ground around their bloated bodies. I can still here their mewling. The awful, hideous mewling.” Many officials have reportedly entered therapy to come to terms with the ordeal.
While international organizations applauded the sweatshop breakup, the newly freed victims found themselves at a loss. Many were unhappy, blaming the government for taking their jobs.
“Now we’re no better off than an American factory worker,” described one child in broken English. “Food once a week. A stable job. We had a good thing going.”
According to official sources, the children, finding themselves unemployed, immediately began creating motivational poster parodies in another sweatshop.