HEALTHCARE BATTLEGROUND – Ending the nation’s lengthy healthcare reform trial-run, President Obama has decided the time has come to introduce a real healthcare reform bill to Congress for consideration.
“We would like to thank everyone who participated in this mock attempt to pass healthcare reform,” said a grateful Mr. Obama at a press conference on Monday. “The contribution on both sides of the aisle not only lent the process a much needed sense of realism, but was also a phenomenal example of bipartisanship. I think this shows a real change in Washington – one where people of differing views come together to tear each other apart.” The President went on to express his thankfulness to the Tea Party for displaying the “most irrational and extravagant tendencies of populism” so that they may be effectively countered when the healthcare debate truly begins.
Republican lawmakers, glad for a chance to refine their ravenous demagoguery, were extremely pleased with the trial-run. Throughout the mock healthcare debate, Republicans manifested complete unity, which they plan to extend into the real debate for consistency’s sake, against any proposed legislation.
Commented Senator Scott Brown (R-MA), “I think my election shows the President what’s at stake if he allows the healthcare debate to go drastically awry.”
To show his solidarity with the free market, former Vice President Dick Cheney willed himself to have a mild heart attack of patriotism in order to show Americans the health benefits of private health insurance.
Public response has been mixed. Still reveling in their newfound political bloodlust, Tea Party members were disheartened when told their services would no longer be needed. Instead of an immediate disbandment, however, members would instead be fazed out of politics gradually.
“Instead of attending rallies or protests, Tea Party leaders will organize picnics, which will be degraded to barbeques and, eventually, high school bonfires,” remarked Tea Party leader Jon Gruben, describing the downshift in the movement’s importance.
Many sickly, destitute, and rather unimportant American’s, however, rejoiced upon hearing the news.