Large Hadron Collider Scientists Discover Alternate “Lost Sock” Dimension
RIFT IN TIME AND SPACE – In what many experts have described as a “monumental leap forward” in human understanding of the multiverse, scientists working with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Europe recently solved one of nature’s most vexing of mysteries.
“Everyone is really excited about this discovery. Some people are even talking about the Nobel Prize, but I think that’s a little premature,” said Katie Eldrey, Chief Operation Technician for the Large Hadron Collider. “Ever since inexplicably losing that left sock while doing laundry in a shallow pond, mankind has been baffled the disappearance of socks from existence.”
The debate over what happens to socks when they are cleaned has raged for centuries. Many prominent historians believe an absent sock led to the Spanish Inquisition, while others attribute laundry irregularities to the rise of Rome and Christianity in the West. Still others believe misplaced footwear led to the Cold War and the USSR’s disintegration following the Great Sock Shortages of 1989. Hopes for a definitive answer to the “Sock Paradox” culminated in the construction of the LHC even while detractors, pointing to the works of Saint Anthony, called such ambitions as “heretical attempts to portend the while of God.”
Despite such concerns in the religious community, the public has been rejoiced throughout the world upon hearing news of the recent discovery. Some governments, including the United States of America, have taken steps to declare the date a national holiday. “We were just overjoyed when we heard the news,” remarked Portland, Oregon resident Anthony Scarlonsae. “It was like we no longer had to live in fear of washing our socks.”
Scientists, however, are warning against such early optimism, saying that studies have yet to confirm whether the alternate dimension can be entered for sock retrieval. Governments are also posturing for dominance in what some are calling a “lucrative sock distribution and reclamation market.” Sock companies themselves are less enthusiastic about the discovery, citing a possible drop in business due to what they call an “upheaval in the natural order of the world.”
Even with the prospect of a complicated future ahead, scientists working with the LHC are glad for the good publicity following last year’s devastating attempt to use the LHC as the world’s largest and least efficient toaster.