Is Earth another Lehman Brothers?
CANADIAN DESERT – According to high level administration officials, the White House has decided that planet Earth, long believed to be a crucial component of all human existence, will not be “bailed out” of its current climate disaster by the United States government. White House officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisal, revealed that the administration “had weighed the pros and cons of saving Earth, but did not want to set a precedent that other planets may exploit.”
Commented one public official, “The government is meant to protect the American public, not the planet.”
Although the average earthling may be taken aback by these revelations, such a laissez-faire approach to planetary stability comes as no surprise to longtime observers of interstellar bodies. Tremors first shook the interstellar marketplace earlier this decade when Pluto was downgraded to “dwarf planet” status, destabilizing the entire solar system in the process. Unperturbed by such an alarming event, the inhabitants of Earth remained blissfully optimistic, shielded from the worst of the cosmic reformation due to Earth’s heavy investment in atmosphere maintenance.
“We believed Earth was perfectly capable of self-regulating itself,” remarked Lori Garver, Deputy Administrator of NASA, on Earth’s current climate troubles. “It had been that way for decades and not once had the planet come to Washington for help. Sure, it had been showing some trouble recently, shedding unnecessary species and liquidating its polar assets, but everyone thought the planet knew what it was doing.”
Recent data suggests, however that this was not the case. Over the past 1.3 centuries, Earth had been investing heavily in CO2 and other so called “green house gases.” For decades, regulators were asleep at the wheel, never auditing Earth despite growing concerns that the planets growing involvement in the historically opaque carbon dioxide market. Only after Earth began to show signs of climate instability did government officials take notice.
Although most experts agree the loss of Earth would devastate the average American, the United States government shows no signs of conceding to the planet’s needs.
“If we help Earth, what’s next? Will the Moon want a missile defense system? Will Mars demand a seat in Congress? This is a slippery slope,” said Jon Malbrook, noted Earth critic. “The cost would be inconceivable and without any guarantee of a return. Earth is a monetary black hole, like education. Bailing-out the planet would just be rewarding irresponsibility, and what kind of message would that send to the children?”
The public remains split on the survival of the planet, with 63% of Americans believing Earth should go into climate restructuring while 37% support a bail-out. Opinion poll analysts ascribe public’s unwillingness to fully support the planet as “bail-out” fatigue and hopes that “it will get warmer in my area.”