GOP Literally Battles Budget Deficit
CONGRESSIONAL COLISEUM – Seeming to crackle with energy, the air in the United States House of Representatives was saturated with exuberance as House Speaker John Boehner, wearing tanned leather and chainmail armor, strode through the lower corridors of the Lyndon B. Johnson Congressional Coliseum toward the beast he would soon enter into mortal combat with.
“I have danced this dance many times,” commented Rep. Boehner (R-OH) as warm tears of nostalgia rolled down his cheeks, “but today I hope to finally put an end to this nemesis of the American people.”
The nation’s capital has been a flurry of activity since the annual Festival of the Budget began nearly three weeks ago. Lawmakers have already enjoyed traditional events such as the spectacular Potomac Pork-Barrel Race, in which 565 pigs are stuffed into 565 barrels and floated down the Potomac River. The first pork barrel to reach the George Mason Memorial Bridge wins its representative’s district a poorly lit park in a sketchy part of town named after the former principal of a local school.
Other events include the always fun pin-the-foreign-aid on the country and the massive Funding Piñata, which involves directors from federal agencies acquiring funding for the next fiscal year by scrambling to pick up money as it falls from a FDR shaped papier-mâché colossus.
Of course, the main event has always been the annual Federal Budget Deficit Battle (FBDB), although some longtime commentators have criticized recent years for straying from tradition.
“It used to be that a House Speaker could simply walk onto the coliseum floor, completely unarmed, and spill buckets of blood in conflict with the many-headed hydra that is the US Budget Deficit,” explained Rick Zelger, the FBDB commentator for ESPN. “Pelosi just fed college interns to the behemoth and called it a day. Sure it was fun seeing them fall into complete insanity as they beheld the eldritch abomination, but they never put up much of a fight and were swallowed whole, never to be seen again by mortal men.”
Along with his armor, Rep. Boehner will wear a helmet in the shape of Ronald Reagan’s head, wield a battle-gavel, and defend himself with a shield emblazoned with the United States Constitution.