Browse By

God Distances Christianity from Rick Santorum

HEAVEN – Looking worn and haggard in front of a rapt press corps, the supreme being of all creation began to distance himself and the entirety of Christianity from GOP hopeful and religious conservative Rick Santorum.

The Alpha and the Omega of the cosmos stated that after witnessing Rick Santorum’s victories in the Alabama and Mississippi primaries, He felt “morally obligated” to draw a distinction between Christianity and Mr. Santorum, whom the Lord described as a “dangerous fundamentalist.”

“You all know I try to stay out of these things. Normally I ‘work in mysterious ways’ and all that jazz, but I want to make it very clear that neither I nor Christianity endorse Rick Santorum. Christianity is a very loving, welcoming, and understanding religion that Rick Santorum in no way represents with his insane and offensive ramblings,” said God. “Simply put, I find it offensive that my religion is associated with Rick Santorum.”

God comments about the Pope

When asked about Pope, God said that he would try to do better next time and not pick a guy who "looks like a creepy Bond villian." photo: Catholic Church (England and Wales)

According to inside sources, the King of Kings’ statements were, in part, prompted by the massive increase in daily prayers from disaffected Christians enraged by Mr. Santorum’s comments regarding homosexuality, contraception, and religion.

The Santorum campaign issued a statement expressing regret that God had been “corrupted by the leftist mainstream media” and obviously does not have an accurate understanding of Rick Santorum personal ideals or vision for America.

“While it pains me to say it, I think God has lost His conservative credentials and flip-flopped on Christian values,” said Mr. Santorum at a campaign stop in Illinois.

Describing the Lord’s statements as an arrogant overreach of “Big Religion”, conservative pundits and personalities immediately began criticizing God’s lack of enthusiasm for the GOP hopeful.

Many questioned “who made God the leader of Christianity” and whether the Creator had “strayed from the principles” of Christianity as championed by Rick Santorum.

Some even suggested that, in light of His recent comments, the Almighty should retire and let someone else, such as Pat Roberts, take up the mantle as the omniscient ruler of the universe.

Political theology experts weighed in on the matter, commenting that, although God’s statements were important, it would probably make little impact in the polls since “nobody really listens to God anyway.”

One thought on “God Distances Christianity from Rick Santorum”

  1. bill jones says:

    Such a stupid piece.

Leave a Reply to bill jones Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *