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Economy Recovers to Spite American Worker

MIDWEST – Pointing to an uptick in the stock market and a better than expected last quarter, economists have recently declared the recession over although many Americans on Mainstreet remain unconvinced.

“Yeah, I called the Economy right after I lost my job,” recounts former steel mill worker Jeff Wigman as he sat patiently next to an old rotary phone. “Figured, you know, we could go out, have a nice dinner. Maybe see a sappy movie. It would be just like when we were young.”

When asked if he had heard back from the Economy, Mr. Wigman simply shrugged his shoulders and motioned to the phone. “I know we hadn’t talked for a while and that I may have gotten a subprime loan, but I mean, that isn’t a reason just a blow a fella off. I thought what we had was real – was true.”

The same scenario has been repeated throughout the country with American workers huddled expectantly about old phones for a call from the Economy that, according to recent reports, may never come.

While making trips to Chinese factories under construction, the Economy gave brief interviews with members of the press earlier this week. Early reports suggest that the Economy has “moved past” its American relationship. When asked for a reason why, the Economy said that the two had “simply grown apart.”

“I don’t know, I remember an American worker that would take me out and break up a union or exploit a third world nation for resources,” it explained while helping laborers lay foundation. “Then it became all about McDonalds and credit. And don’t even get me started on that Derivatives slut.”

“They thought they didn’t need me anymore,” the Economy said, visibly angry while sprinkling lead onto toys for children. The Economy went on to say that it and American workers needed “time apart” to “think things through and see new people.”

When told of the Economy’s feelings on the matter, American workers were in disbelief.

Vowing could “change” and “work out there differences,” Americans were still hopeful in working out what they called a “rough patch” in their relationship with the Economy. Many workers were vehement in their adoration for the Economy, saying they would their forsaken love send flowers and a mix tap their favorite ’90s songs.

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