Delusional Gingrich Breaks into Oval Office, Declares Self President
WASHINGTON D.C. – According to early reports, the Secret Service detained a belligerent, irascible Newt Gingrich after the GOP hopeful had broken into the Oval Office and declared himself President of the United States of America.
While the investigation is still ongoing, the former United States House Speaker somehow bypassed some of the most sophisticated security on the planet in order fulfill his primal need to become president of the U.S.
“We aren’t sure how Mr. Gingrich was able to make it to the Oval Office without alerting the Secret Service, but we our current theory is that his large head grants him latent psychic abilities that may allow him to turn invisible for brief periods of time,” said Hal Tremple who oversees security for the White House. “This would also explain why he would disappear for days at a time from the GOP nomination news coverage.”
Sources close to the incident said that agents discovered something was amiss only when Mr. Gingrich attempted to order Chinese food from the Oval Office.
When Secret Service agents took Mr. Gingrich into custody, the Republican candidate apparently ardently believed that the people of America enjoyed his smug self-righteousness and found his megalomania endearing, say sources close to the situation.
Neural specialists have weighed in on what would have caused Mr. Gingrich’s actions.
“Newt’s mind simply couldn’t comprehend the crushing defeat he experienced in the Republican primary. While difficult to discern from his normal grandiose egoism, Mr. Gingrich seems to be experiencing extreme denial, effectively creating an alternate reality within his massive head,” said Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s chief medical correspondent.
Many political experts have written off Mr. Gingrich’s campaign simply because of the “mathematical impossibility” of him winning the GOP candidacy and because “nobody enjoys the fact that he exists.”
Mr. Gingrich is currently being held at an undisclosed location while undergoing a medical examination.