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Couples Celebrate Annual Day of Ostracizing Single People

VALENTINE’S DAY BUNKER, MI – After weeks of exhaustive preparation, the nation’s couples are reportedly ready to unleash of deluge of emotional and psychological torment on those individuals unfortunate enough to be caught single on Valentine’s Day.

“What was once a holiday celebrating romance has become an annual pastime where the monogamous and the media unite to actively persecute singles,” explained Zachary Fielkas, noted American historian and married person.


The image of a baby relentlessly hunting down single people with a bow and arrow has become an easily recognizable symbol of love and romance.

Fielkas went on to add that Valentine’s Day is “a fantastic family-oriented celebration” designed to make single people “feel totally isolated from society.”

Utilizing cutting edge research techniques, couple’s are allegedly preparing to stigmatize single people by carefully monitoring online chat-rooms for singles in order to maximize the debilitating impact of their romantic displays of public affection.

Over the decades corporations have created thousands of “misery jobs” by commercializing society’s yearly ostracizing of lonely individuals.

Companies across the country have reported a noticeable uptick in sales of products, such as heart shaped sweets, grossly inaccurate cards, and mediocre rose bouquets, specifically designed to emotionally abuse single people by highlighting their miserable, loveless lives.

Due to Valentine Day’s affect on the economy, political leaders have called for America’s couples to act as “flagrantly romantic and happy with life” as possible by buying Valentine’s Day products in order to make the country’s single people “drown in a sea of bitterness and self-loathing.”

Leading economists have stated that if couples “crush all remaining hope of future happiness” for single people this year, unemployment could fall significantly.

Once again this year, media has been instrumental in breaking down the psychological health and mental stability of single individuals with countless airings of Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, and the Twilight Saga movies.

National Public Radio has even gone so far as to broadcast a daily five hour long PSA where media personalities and celebrities describe the “overwhelming happiness and pleasure of companionship.”

One thought on “Couples Celebrate Annual Day of Ostracizing Single People”

  1. Eric Stormzand says:

    All I can offer is that I was single till 37 years of age. And that not only was my life saved from its downward spiral,my economic status improved by now being a couple.Also the years that followed were some of the best in US history (1990’s). But then our amorous president was pretending he was single, and that was that.

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