Congress Debates “Jurassic Park” Policy to Combat Rising Gas Prices
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move to prevent the nation’s rising gas prices from stymieing a lackluster economic recovery, congressional Republicans have backed a cutting-edge proposal by Representative Tim Johnson (R-IL) to investigate the energy extraction potential of dinosaurs cloned from DNA found in prehistoric tree sap.
“If oil comes from dinosaurs and we need more oil, then I think the answer to America’s energy needs is pretty obvious: Make more dinosaurs,” said Rep. Johnson during a press conference prior to his bill’s consideration by the House Subcommittee on Dinosaur Oil Production Potential. “With private sector investment in dinosaur oil extraction, we could simultaneously create thousands of jobs and make America energy independent by 2018.”
Proponents of the legislation have taken up the slogan “Clone, baby, clone!” and have demanded that the Obama administration grant companies the freedom to perform new dinosaur drilling.
From the outset, the Obama administration and congressional Democrats have argued against what has been dubbed the “Jurrasic Park Policy” and have instead called limited dinosaur production combined with greater investment in less experimental energy sources, like cold fusion.
According to a press release issued by the White House, the administration is concerned with the “potential negative impact on the environment and human health” in the event of a dinosaur spill.
Recent polls indicate that the public is evenly divided over the Jurassic Park Policy, with 45% for the extraction of oil from new dinosaurs to 43% against. The remaining 12% indicated that they are “against the cruel treatment of dinosaurs”.
For years, the scientific community has characterized dinosaur production as an extremely risky solution to America’s energy woes. In 1993, the dangers of dinosaur production for entertainment purposes were exposed in the documentary Jurassic Park, directed by noted dinosaur production critic Steven Spielberg.
Supporters of the legislations like Rep. Johnson concede that while dinosaur oil extraction was at one time “highly prone to equipment failure and environmental contamination”, new technologies have “significantly decreased the likelihood of Seinfeld’s Newman from working on the project in any official capacity.”