CNN Introduces New Country: Kyrgyzstan
NATION BUILDING, CENTRAL ASIA – After posting dismal ratings in recent months, CNN executives were desperate to stop their hemorrhaging of viewers.
“We just couldn’t compete with the more provocative shows on Fox News and MSNBC,” said CNN Worldwide President Jim Walton when asked about how the new country was inspired. “Everyone was looking for the next big thing. Haiti, Argentina, Healthcare. They all came and went, and here we are with less people watching.”
“Then it hit me. Why not simply create a new country with massive inner turmoil that’s essential to U.S. interests?”
Production began almost immediately. CNN bought huge tracts of land from China, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, and Tajikistan in order to build its own country. Entire cities, towns, and villages were built by college interns in painstaking detail so as to accurately portray the environment of a former Soviet bloc country. Millions of people from neighboring countries were then imported into the newly formed state. According to high-level sources, every individual was assigned a specific ethnicity, personality, and political disposition.
“We set them up with everything they could ever need: a corrupt, ineffective government, irreconcilable cultural tensions, and severe economic troubles. We’ve got plot twists coming up this summer that will make LOST look like child’s play,” commented Mr. Walton. “Adlibbing is really discouraged, though. Nobody wants a peaceful resolution to conflict when we could have all-out civil war.”
The U.S. angle, according to CNN executives, will really engage the American audiences. Some industry experts have even speculated CNN might stage a tense hostage negotiation of American tourists during sweeps week, but the company has yet to confirm or deny such rumors.
Set directors can already be seen pepping up protestors before cameras role while fiery politicians can be witnessed nervously rehearsing their lines. Participants have enthusiastically embraced CNN’s nation building, with many believing that, if they perform well, they may be sent to appear in other, more prestigious ravaged countries, such as Afghanistan or Iraq.
“If I do well shouting loudly while waving signs, I may be promoted to police brutality victim or jailed political dissident, and from there the sky is the limit,” said Ruznov Dashinko as he gathered materials for his protest signs at a local Hobby Lobby.
Fox News and MSNBC have recently expressed interest in creating their own country in order to compete with CNN.
When questioned about the ethical implications of their current project, CNN asked “why it was such a big deal” intruding in the affairs of a sovereign country since “countries do it all the time.”