Christmas Day Bomber Realized He was going to Detroit
DETROIT, MICHIGAN – In what turned out to be a hilarious case of mistaken intentions, “Christmas Day Bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab allegedly attempted to detonate an explosive device on Northwest Airlines Flight 253 only after learning he was moments from arriving in Detroit, Michigan.
“It was truly heroic,” recounted Anna Hekarise. “When the Captain told us we were about land in Detroit, we were afraid for our lives. Luckily, though, Umar kept a clear head and tried to save us all.”
Officials stated that the Nigerian national would have been successful in his attempt to save the passengers of Flight 253 from the horrible fate of landing in Detroit, if not for the brazen act of brutality by a fellow passenger, who kept Mr. Abdulmutallab’s device from detonating.
Instead of every soul onboard shedding his or her mortal coil in a plummeting conflagration of heated steel and charred peanut packets, passengers unfortunately landed safely in Detroit Metropolitan Airport, where they were immediately met by police and emergency personal. According to witnesses, the brave men and women of Flight 253 were visibly distraught over their arrival. Many, unable to mentally accept the reality of walking on the cracked, uneven asphalt of a Detroit runaway, were taken to nearby derelict hospitals to be badly treated by a underperforming staff of medical amateurs, sources say.
“We were all hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but I suppose the TSA can’t be at 100% all the time,” said Police Chief Eddie Holder, referring to the agency’s policy of banning all aircrafts from flying within 300 miles of Detroit.
Mr. Abdulmutallab was immediately taken into custody in order to keep him from performing any more incredible feats of bravery while in the greater Detroit area. His assailant, fellow passenger Jasper Schuringa, was left unharmed so that he may, in true Detroit tradition, wreak further havoc on nearby communities.
Mr. Abdulmutallab was unable to make a statement due to his incarceration, but the adulation of supporters around the nation for his heroic attempt not to go to Detoirt speaks volumes.