CANADIAN DESERT – According to high level administration officials, the White House has decided that planet Earth, long believed to be a crucial component of all human existence, will not be “bailed out” of its current climate disaster by the United States government. White House officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisal, revealed that the administration “had weighed the pros and cons of saving Earth, but did not want to set a precedent that other planets may exploit.”
CHEEZBURGER, CHINA – Labor officials in China are still reeling after discovering what has been described as a “gross violation of human rights” earlier this month. Early reports indicate that several hundred underage children were made, against there will and in dangerous conditions, to produce LOLcat images for distribution on the internet. Officials have said that many of the children were found malnourished and emotionally scarred from their time in captivity.
LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL – Read from the trembling lips of a balding, translucent man with a faint air of belabored resignation, the statement stunned those members of the media in attendance. Jaws dropped. Pens fell to the floor. The faint of heart swooned. Questions soon erupted from the silent void, however, besieging the resolute figure with one singular question: How? The pale man wiped a brow, scarred by eons of wrinkles, and began his dismal tale.