Business Leaders Apologize to Republicans for Recovering Economy
NEW YORK CITY, NY – The tone was decidedly conciliatory as the nation’s most powerful titans of industry apologized to the Republican Party for America’s economic recovery. The influential cabal of business leaders expressed regret and disappointment in their collective inability to keep the nation’s economy in a brutal state of soul crushing stagnation.
“The current positive economic trends are inexcusable,” said Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of General Electric, during a surprise press conference attended by dozens of other major executives. “Republicans believed that America’s business leaders would weaken President Obama by maintaining high unemployment and an anemic economy. Unfortunately, the economy has slowly been sliding in an upward direction, and for this reason, the business community would like to formally apologize to the Republican Party.”
Recent weeks have seen positive economic trajectories in both employment and the stock markets, much to the chagrin of America’s top executives and Republicans.
Republican National Committee Chairman and totally not a fake person Reince Priebus responded to the announcement with hopeful skepticism, stating that it was “about time” business leaders “got its act together” to keep America “angry, out of work, and blaming Obama for everything”.
Reports close to the business community and the Republican Party indicate that the relationship between the two groups had been under considerable stress for weeks before hitting a new low point after the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above 13000 for the first time in nearly four years last week.
“The business community hasn’t kept their end of the bargain, so now Republicans are wondering why they were obstructionist and contrarian for two straight years,” commented Jannis Melheimer, Senior Political Analyst for Extreme Political Analysis, Inc.
According to reports, some Republican representatives have indicated that if the economy was just going to “go ahead and get better without their permission” then they may have “actually attempted to honestly work with the Obama administration” to solve some of America’s crippling chronic problems “like the federal debt or the secret War with Mars”.