Area Man Honestly Excited About GOP Field
LANSING, MI – On the eve of Michigan’s Republican presidential primary, officials from laser sound effects and political polling organization the Pew Research Center have identified an individual living Lansing, Michigan as “dangerously excited” about current GOP field.
“He tested off the charts in enthusiasm and passion. It was quite unsettling,” said Peter Maxero, Chief of Data Analysis for the Pew Research Center. “We haven’t seen anything like him since the primary process began. He has campaigned for every candidate currently in the race and seems to honestly believe in their messages and visions of the future.”
“Normally we don’t release personal information on the individuals we question, but we feel that Jason Marquin is simply too odd and perhaps dangerous to remain anonymous,” added Mr. Maxero.
Jason Marquin, the individual identified as “uncomfortably sincere” in his satisfaction with the GOP contenders, was surprised to learn that so few others shared his optimistic beliefs.
“How can people not feel totally overwhelmed with the fantastic options available to conservative and moderate Republicans this election cycle?” asked Mr. Marquin, a quiet, unassuming man save for his unrelenting optimism regarding the GOP contenders.
The manager of a local clothing store, Mr. Marquin has never previously exhibited such unabashed support for such a cadre of pseudo-human madmen.
Friends and loved ones allegedly reacted with shock and fear upon discovering Jason’s unwavering support for each of the remaining GOP hopefuls.
His wife, Beverly Marquin, has reportedly found Jason’s radical support for each candidate a severe burden on their marriage.
“He’s just not the same person anymore. I can’t understand him. There should be at least a little shame or skepticism the candidates – but no. He thinks they are all ‘great guys’,” said Mrs. Marquin in an interview with CNN.
Efforts to dampen Mr. Marquin’s intense support by pointing out Romney’s vicious attack ads, Gingrich’s infidelity, Santorum’s controversial religious remarks, or Paul’s obvious megalomania have met only failure.
“I really feel like the GOP has pulled out all the stops this year. No matter who wins the nomination, we all win as a country,” said Mr. Marquin with an unnerving glint in his eye.