Apple Unveils New iNternet
INTUITIVELY DESIGNED APPLE iHQ – With the intensity of a lion ready to pounce on a wounded gazelle, the technology saint, dressed in his holy garb of a mock turtleneck and jeans, entered the room carrying nothing more than an envelope and deck of cards. Those lesser mortals in the room trembled as reality bent and quivered in his wake. As one they readied their souls for the sacred words of their prophet.
“Have mercy on us for we have sinned. Our souls have been led astray by the Windows of temptation. Only from Apple, and Its son Jobs, does salvation flow like milk and honey,” the assembled reporters proclaimed, heads bowed in reverence, eyes averted.
Speaking in a voice that rent the heavens asunder with its raw magnificence, Steve Jobs, the Anointed CEO of Apple Inc., began his presentation.
“We live in a world where information is all around us. We are constantly assailed with messages from television and radio, to pamphlets and cookbooks. We live by their schedules. Did you miss your favorite TV show? Too bad, better catch the rerun. Do you want to learn about ancient Rome? Time to go to the library. Then it occurred to me. What if that wasn’t the case?” – reporters started shaking in anticipation – “What if a web of information existed world-wide, right at your fingertips?” Steve Jobs opened the envelope and brought forth his personal iPhone, an ethereal, radiant entity of pure innovative energy that shone brightly thanks to its exclusive Holy Aura app.
“Behold ye weary men and women this, the love of Apple, for it is with Its blessing and infinite wisdom that I give this to you: the iNternet!”
Some reporters swooned, others wept openly, and still others wailed in pure adulation.
Mr. Jobs went on to extol the virtues of the iNternet. According to his presentation, the iNternet will allow users to access information from around the world almost instantaneously. To do so, an individual will need only to type “keywords” into a “search bar” or type a “url” directly into an “address bar.” Apple has also stated that the iNternet will launch with billions of “pages” for users to “browse.” Mr. Jobs gave a full demo of the iNternet during his announcement, showing that the new technology will transmit not only text, but video and audio as well. The Anointed CEO stated that such revolutionary information technology was made possible by connecting a series of tubes across the globe.
When asked by an unbeliever whether the iNternet is necessary since the internet, a similar yet completely different technology, already exists, Mr. Jobs stared sternly at the man before the heathen burst into flames for uttering such heresy.
Numerous early adopters are expected to ritualistically wait in their Long Lines of Atonement on launch day even though a better, cheaper version of iNternet is expected to be released later in the year.