DERTROIT… ERRR WAIT, NEW ORLEANS – After an intense debate among the national news pundits, political experts have concluded that Mitt Romney is much more similar to a Ken doll than an etch-a-sketch.
“While Mr. Romney’s inconsistency regarding policy matters and easy ‘shake-ability’ are clear etch-a-sketch attributes, his carefully sculpted hair, lifeless eyes, and smug wealth perfectly reflect the plastic traits of the average Ken doll,” explained POLITICO’s senior children’s toy expert Derrick Mullen. “The only problem with this metaphor, however, is that Mr. Romney is far less charismatic than Ken.”
Many pundits were split as to whether a Ken doll was a more appropriate metaphor for Mr. Romney or his chief rival, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. Proponents of the Mr. Santorum comparison pointed out that the GOP hopeful and Ken share a love of sweater vests and both are believed to be anatomically incorrect.
“I feel that Ken and Mr. Santorum are both confused and frightened by sex and their sexuality, therefore, Mr. Santorum is the perfect Ken Doll Candidate,” said Lauren Karsel of The New York Times.
Most analysts agree, however, that Mr. Romney and Ken both fall within the uncanny valley, the point at which humanoid objects are seen as “creepy” or “alien” by a normal person.
The Romney campaign has pushed back against allegations that Mr. Romney resembles a Ken doll. The campaign has state that Mr. Romney has “fully opposable” thumbs and “at least fifty percent” more control over his facial muscles.
Political experts have moved on to naming the toy equivalents of the rest of the Republican field. Many agree that Newt Gingrich closely resembles Mr. Potato Head in that the heads of both make up 90% of their respective bodies and Mr. Gingrich is constantly pulling ideas out of his nether region.
Mr. Santorum would not resemble any toys because, according to the candidate, children should only ever play with “bibles and rags”.
Mr. Paul would be a Monopoly board game, according to analysts.