“Late Night” Gladiatorial Duel to the Death
NBC COLLISEUM – After a hilarious week of exchanging cringe-inducing verbal barbs, late night titans Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien are set to trade vitriolic jokes for physical blows in an upcoming fight to death set be the opening event of the 2009 Winter Olympics.
“It’s going to be winner-takes-all and last-man-standing. Melee weapons only. We’re going old-school on this one. Sure, O’Brien and Leno have been great for NBC, but if I can’t have both, then no one can,” explained NBC Chief Executive Officer, Jeff Zucker, referencing the company’s vain attempts to keep both stars.
The deadly combat will reportedly take place within a caged enclosure, described in a press release as a “Thunderdome” constructed within New Orleans’ Superdome. The site was chosen due to its “recent history” of “immeasurable pain and torment,” which, according to reliable sources, “accurately parallels” what a person feels while hosting a late night program.
Both contestants will subjected to a cavity search before, and stripped of clothing during, the duel so as to avoid the use of hidden syringes or other unauthorized weapons. Spectators have been encouraged to wear sunglasses to the event, of course, so as to avoid being blinded by the two pale forms tangled in mortal combat. Conan O’Brien will wield Triumph the insult comic dog as his weapon of choice, while Jay Leno will simply use his chin. The victor, as defined by a statement released by NBC Universal, will only be declared after one man rips the still palpitating heart from the chest of the vanquished.
Both television personalities have exhibited great enthusiasm over the prospect of taking the other’s life.
Many longtime television critics have welcomed the unexpected move, believing that the spectacle’s increased ratings revenue will more than make up for the loss in human life and dignity. Others, however, question if Mr. O’Brien can be kept from using his hair as a “natural whip” and if Mr. Leno’s ability to “cripple a man with his comedic incompetence” has been accounted for.
Despite such reservations, all television experts agree that this is the most humane method of deciding who should have the 11:35 timeslot on NBC.