Barclays: “Libor A Smashing Success!”

LONDON – By manipulating the London Inter-Banking Offer Rate (Libor), multinational British banking and financial services institution Barclays has successfully surpassed all recent banking scandals in size and scope, say industry experts.

“Due to the sheer magnitude this revelation, Barclays is now in a dominant position in the competitive banking corruption market. With the ongoing investigation, this scandal will last for months, if not years,” explained Peter Mongeul, an economist and frequent contributor to The Wall Street Journal regarding banking practices and regulations.

“They really hit this one out of the ballpark,” continued Mr. Mongeul.

Experts agree with Mr. Monguel. Economists from various financial institutions have hailed Barclays’ unethical achievements as a “shining symbol” of banking “rotting, stagnant core.”

Conference Call
Suspicions that Barclays was manipulating the Libor first arose when descriptions of “Felony Achievement Exercises” appeared in the employee handbook.

While initially uncertain whether media outlets would be able to effectively convey the profoundly egregious nature of its actions, Barclays has since indicated its delight at the media firestorm and public outrage now target at the bank.

“We couldn’t be happier,” said Oliver Johnson, Vice President of public affairs for the distressed bank. “Things were slow at first, but once [ex-CEO Bob] Diamond resigned, the ball really got rolling.”

Barclays went even further, stating that Bank of America will be “hard pressed” to “one up” them with their “pitiful robo-signing scandal.”

Responding to Barclays claim, Bank of America released a statement praising Barclays’ “impressively corrupt internal practices” but refused to comment on its own “scandalous projects” which it described as “ongoing”. Barclays has told the media to keep an eye out for “new and exciting twists and turns” that “nobody will see coming” in order to maintain its commanding image as one of the world’s most corrupt companies in the general consciousness.

“ We’ve still got a few bombshells ready to unleash, and I think everyone will be unpleasantly surprised,” said Mr. Johnson, stifling a chuckle.

    Scientists Run Out of Condescending Scientific Analogies for Normal People

    GENEVA – With the discovery of a potential Higgs particle, the scientific community has officially exhausted its supply of condescending analogies to explain complex scientific concepts to the average person.

    “We really tried with this one, but there was just no way to reduce the complexity of quantum mechanics and the Higgs-Boson in such a way so that it would be easily understood by someone without a scientific background,” explained Dr. Wulhof Gregedor, a physicist that worked closely on the project which led to the discovery. “We thought we had something with comparing the Higgs to a banana and normal particles to a pennies, but it all fell apart in the end.”

    Fun Fact: The book about the Higgs boson was originally titled the "Goddamn Particle" because of how hard it was to find but was changed so as not to offend anyone.
    Fun Fact: The book about the Higgs boson was originally titled the “Goddamn Particle” because of how hard it was to find but was changed so as not to offend anyone. This is totally true.

    According to top officials, lead scientists involved with the discovery agonized over the lack of a proper analogy. According to reports, the problem was considered so significant that the announcement of the discovery was delayed for “at least half a year”.

    Eventually, the CERN scientists at Geneva decided the catchy term “God Particle” was “good enough” and decided to announce their findings.

    Since the announcement, the scientific community has noted the historic nature of both the possible discovery of the Higgs particle and the absence of a condescending analogy to accompany it.

    “Sure, finding the God Particle is great and all, but I think running out of condescending analogies has much greater implications regarding science going forward,” explained Dr. Gary Monroe, a Physics Professor at Michigan State University. “How will I explain new concepts to my students without new, childish analogies to pizza or swimming?”

    Dr. Monroe went on to characterize the consequences as “dire” and “unprecedented”.

    The general public has exhibited an unusual amount of interest in the discovery, with most reports indicating an increased chance of coworkers talking about “the exciting achievement” of “finally finding the God Particle” despite their complete lack of understanding.

    Dems Scramble to Snatch Defeat from Jaws of Supreme Court Victory

    WASHINGTON, D.C. – After two years of continuous assault from conservative critics over President Obama’s landmark healthcare reform legislation, Democrats are scrambling to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory after being almost completely vindicated by the Supreme Court of the United States.

    Completely blindsided by the favorable 5-4 decision from Chief Justice John Roberts, the Democrat Party is uncomfortable with its newfound constitutional high ground and has worked vigorously, if futilely, to undermine its current political advantage.

    Joe Biden
    In a desperate bid to garner negative news coverage, President Obama left Vice President Joe Biden unsupervised in front of a microphone for five hours after the healthcare decision.

    “We simply can’t find many faults with the law or the Supreme Court decision,” commented one staffer for a top Democratic U.S. Senator. “You have no idea how hard it was to make people hate you when we gave them affordable healthcare if they had a preexisting condition. It was tough to intentionally make the Affordable Care Act sound terrible the first time. Now that we have the Supreme Court’s approval, it’s going to be impossible.”

    Despite the significant positive ramifications the Supreme Court’s decision, some Democrats are hoping the interpretation of the individual mandate penalty as a tax increase will put them to into a more familiar, politically defensive position.

    News media analysts, however, are skeptical that Democrats will be able to pull out of their current soaring victory. Experts point to coverage from major news outlets characterizing the Supreme Court decision regarding Obamacare as a “major achievement” and “unqualified success” for Democrats and liberals across the country.

    “How are we supposed to look bad when the Supreme Court hands us a major political and policy victory,” asked David Zekiras, a major Democratic organizer for President Obama’s reelection campaign team in Columbus, Ohio.

    “I mean come on. U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder was voted in contempt of Congress on the same day. We should be getting skewered for that, but instead, nobody even noticed,” continued Mr. Zekaris.

    The feeling of unavoidable political success has spread throughout the party, with many questioning whether the trying to look politically inept and effectively incompetent is worth all the effort when met with such favorable outcomes.